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The 100% Love Approach for Attaining “ The
Perfect Marriage ”
Joseph Racite Ph.D.,
LPC
Christian Family Services, Inc.
This article contains Dr. Racite's approach to helping married couples to attain the perfect marriage according to the principles contained in the Word of God. He uses this solution-focused approach in his “ perfect marriage ” seminars and in his private practice. This article represents a brief summary of Dr. Racite's book, The Perfect Marriage , which postulates that love in application according to the letter and spirit of God's word is the answer to circumventing and resolving marital problems.
The 100% Love Approach is a biblical/therapeutic win-win approach that I have developed from my Christian-based book, The Perfect Marriage (Racite, 1999). It is based upon the premise and scriptural promise that the perfect marriage is possible on a moment-to-moment basis as couples put 100% love into practice in their marriage. To do this, the couples must model God's nature and character of love (1 John 4:8,16) and do what he commands (2 John 1:6). By definition, “ the perfect marriage ” is one in which both spouses deliberately, purposefully, faithfully, consistently, and urgently (in action and in spirit) put their marital vows and God's divine statutes into application which, in turn, results in mutual marital satisfaction and happiness, and conforms to God's divine plan for marriage.
God's Provision for “ The Perfect Marriage ”
The perfect marriage is indeed God's goal for every marriage and made possible through Christ (1 John 4:12). Christ is the author and perfecter of every believer's faith. One of the fruits of faith is love. In practice, love takes the form of giving. This can be exemplified by the scripture that states in John 3:16 that, “ For God so loved the world that he gave his own begotten son. ” Thus, in marriage, as each spouse conforms to his image and allows the Holy Spirit to dictate and guide his or her actions, God's perfect will for marital love in context with “ two becoming one ” will become abundantly manifest in their relationship.
How “ The Perfect Marriage ” is Attained
The 100% love approach instructs spouses to emulate the relationship that Jesus has with the church, and the relationship that Jesus has with his Father, both of which are perfect. In fact, Jesus asks every believer to be perfect as his or her heavenly Father is perfect (Matt. 4:48). Love and perfection go hand-in-hand. Thus, spouses are challenged not to replace God's perfect will for total trust and obedience with partial obedience. Partial obedience enables one to accept the standard and ideal of meeting less than 100% of each other's marital needs less than all of the time. This underscores the need for Christians and counselors alike to transform their worldly thinking by renewing their minds to God's way of thinking about marriage and the requirements for each spouse within it. The 100% love approach has developed out of the need to respond to the growing post-modern worldview within the Christian community. Its unique, foundational, and conservative approach challenges much contemporary thinking on the subject matter of marriage, standing firmly on God's unchanging, infallible, and, yes, perfect plan for marriages. In effect, the 100% love approach is a road map for each couple to attain the perfect marriage and to glorify God.
Given the fact that love is the fulfillment of the law (Rom. 13:8), love (which is perfect) is the fulfillment of God's will for every marriage. To accept anything less than perfection is to accept imperfection or less than love, and to give into the desires of the flesh. Love is the perfect bond of unity (Col. 3:14). This unity is seen in the relationship that Jesus has with the Father. This ongoing unity is contingent upon both Jesus and the Father fulfilling their relationship roles to perfection. If the security and, in fact, survival of the entire universe is contingent upon the ongoing unity between Jesus and his Father, why would a marriage rest upon anything else? Thus, adherence to the divine order is central in the 100% love approach. Marital problems are often linked to one or both spouse's refusal and negligence to abide by God's instruction for each spouse to fulfill their marital roles according to scripture. Failure to abide by God's clear instructions forms the basis of power struggles, unmet marital needs, and lack of connectedness, and fulfillment within the marital relationship.
In the 100% love approach, counselees are guided to examine and compare their attitudes and actions in accordance with the letter and spirit of scripture. Loving Christ in practice requires each spouse to abide by God's unchanging laws in terms of meeting each other's marital needs such as connecting communication, more affection, sexual fulfillment, more quality time or expressed admiration. In this regard, Jesus said, “ If you love me you will keep my commandments ” (John 14:15). Love is the fulfillment of the law pertaining to marriage. Moreover, loving one's spouse as oneself requires each to make their marital needs known to the other.
Love not only takes the form of unconditional and sacrificial giving, it demands it. As such, love always seeks the others' highest good. In “ the flesh, ” the person always seeks his or her own highest good. Christ-like giving results in the other spouse's marital needs being met to the end result of the satisfaction of the receiver. The antithesis is withholding unto self which is an act of selfishness. Selfishness is enmity toward God and surely the enemy of marriage. It is at the heart of division within marriages, attesting to the scripture that says, “ Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it ” (Ps. 127:1-2).
100% Love Requires Giving 100%
Contrary to many other clinical and pastoral approaches, the 100% love approach is in strong opposition to negotiating marital needs because, in a negotiation, the goal is to give as little as possible with the purpose of getting as much as possible. Moreover, negotiating results in shortchanging the spouse from receiving 100% love.
The word negotiate literally means to settle a dispute. The means of settling a marital dispute involves arriving at a point where spouses will accept less than they had originally hoped for. The word compromise is defined as a mutual promise to give up some demands, to make concessions, and adjust one's principles to accommodate the other party. In reality, withholding through compromising represents a rejection of meeting the other's marital need(s) and thus is not indicative of love in practice. Yet, this is what many therapists, counselors, and pastors teach their counselee to do! Rather than acknowledging that withholding may be rooted in selfishness or unresolved wounds from the past that need to be conquered and healed, withholding becomes accepted and glorified instead. As a result, the receiver is required to forevermore accept less because it is deemed as an act of selfishness to do otherwise. Compromise is unnecessary when both spouses are getting their marital needs met. Love is non-negotiable and neither is God's word.
Christ asks us for our whole heart and to carry our cross and follow him for a lifetime. Thus, anything but total love in practice is sin. The 100% love approach teaches that sins need to be crucified and our fears healed, as opposed to re-evaluating our innate marital needs. In fact, God's assignment to each spouse is to meet each other's marital needs that results from putting on love. Complaining about this assignment or resenting it is not love in practice. Thus, the ultimate therapeutic goal for a hurting, immobilized or selfish spouse is to bring any needy or hurting person from a position of withholding, which thwarts marital oneness, to personal growth and willful giving, which results in and epitomizes marital oneness and oneness with God's statutes. This should be done with sensitivity, patience, and compassion but not diluted by the world's view of contemporary relationships. The counselor must be the promoter of God's unchanging views and communicate to the couple that obedience to God's statutes will bring about marital happiness for both partners. For couples to resolve their relationship conflicts each must be willing to shift his and her focus from getting to giving. The counselor must teach them that this is what love requires and that giving less than 100% has no practical or spiritual value for resolving their conflicts and restoring their relationship.
Marriage Comes with Entitlements
The Bible commands us to owe no one anything but love (Rom. 13:8). Thus, love is an “ entitlement ” that does have to be earned or deserved. Thus, withholding a marital need is in effect akin to robbing one's spouse of an entitlement. The receiver is the one who is entitled and the giver is the one assigned to the responsibility of meeting the entitlement.
The world has perverted and convinced most that this entitlement is rooted in vanity or selfishness. However, according to the 100% love approach, the contrary is true. Thus, to receive less than 100% love is tantamount to being shortchanged by one's spouse. To be shortchanged of love (e.g., fidelity) creates wounds and distrust in the relationship and pokes a hole right at the marital foundation. Consider the fact that Christ died for us yet while we were sinners (Rom. 5:8). Thus, to put a condition on giving (unlike Christ) is, in effect, bartering. Bartering is not love in practice because it involves giving to get as opposed to giving with the hope of getting. Jesus died not on the premise that we would give our lives to Him, but on the basis of hoping that we would. He sacrificially sought our highest good, which demonstrates and convinces us of his love. The 100% love approach encourages spouses to follow this model and to trust him to change one's spouse as we obey, surrender our will, and exercise our faith.
In addition, in the context of marriage, being “ faithful ” goes well beyond fidelity. In this regard, consider the fact that some day we will all stand before Jesus, hoping that he says, “ Well done, thy good and faithful servant! ” According to the 100% love approach, the word “ faithful ” applies to loving one's spouse in every aspect of marriage. Like fidelity, faithfulness in meeting other marital needs, is essential to the happiness of a marriage. Each need unmet is analogous to contaminating the flow of pure love in a marital relationship.
The Problem in All Marriages is Universal
According to the 100% love approach, the problem in all marriages is simple. Problematic marriages involve one or both spouses who make a decision not to love each other by failing to meet each other's marital needs when one or both truly have the ability to do so. Instead, they conform their thinking and behavior to a world philosophy that is in opposition to sacrificial giving and God's divine order. Love compels one to give and seek the happiness of the other. Responding willfully to God's command to love is a yardstick to a spouse's faith in, surrender to, and love for God according to the 100% love approach.
There has been an overemphasis in counseling and in seminars on marital problems wherein couples are being taught more effective communicating skills in an effort to negotiate to a happy medium. In effect, this is tantamount to reinventing scripture when we examine the content and theme of what is being communicated as spouses often attempt to power play and shortchange the other which, in turn, weakens each other's marital role and responsibilities in accordance with the divine order. In fact, the word of God states that wives can win their husbands without a word (1 Peter 3:1), not with more words. Thus, disputes or withdrawal between couples are largely the result of the relationship dysfunction created by not following God's blueprint and redefining scripture in contemporary terms. Jesus never complained, never withheld, and gave his whole life willingly and completely. His attitude of love and his orientation to giving were the qualities that drew others to him. Jesus loved in the letter and spirit of His Father's instruction. These same qualities of Jesus are those that must be promoted by counselors who are working with married couples.
Practicing 100% Love is Spiritual Warfare
The 100% love approach takes the position that practicing love will be opposed insidiously by Satan, who comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Thus, Satan's lies are analogous to poison. The permeation of Satan's lies into a spouse's mind is akin to injecting poison into the marital relationship. As such, the fact the “ two have become one ” results in each spouse's attitude and actions having a reciprocal effect upon the other. Thus, figuratively speaking, this poison results in the marital relationship becoming sick and, in some cases, culminating in death (i.e., divorce). Jesus, who is love and who brings life, is the answer to all relationship difficulties. It is through his power, coupled with spouses' obedience to his word, that results in the perfect marriage on a moment-to-moment basis. Spouses must forsake their own will and embrace his strength to do so. Through him, all things become possible!
Counseling Strategies
The 100% love approach is a short-term solution-focused intervention that has tremendously helped married couples in clinical settings and in marital seminars. My marriage seminars place a great emphasis on the couple's marital vows and spiritual passages related to God's blueprint for the perfect marriage. Couples' post-modern thinking are challenged with the letter and spirit of God's statutes as a basis for putting love into practical application in their marriages. In addition, they are given experiential exercises in order to strengthen marital unity, communication, the divine order, and in making a recommitment to Jesus and to their marriages. Self-assessment exercises and rating scales are used as a means of identifying marital strengths and weaknesses. The marital presenters of the seminar use examples from the challenges in their marriage as a means of helping couples to make needed changes through identification. Moreover, several group exercises and demonstrations are used to literally prove the infallibility of God's word. For example, wives are shown that they can win their husbands without a word and that submission to their husbands results in them being loved as Christ loved the church. The “ how-to's ” of spiritual warfare are used as a means of standing firm against the enemy of marriages – Satan. At the end of the seminar, couples are given an opportunity to make a “ perfect marriage covenant, ” which contains the major points made during the ten hour seminar which is conducted from Friday evening to late Saturday afternoon. To date, the most dramatic positive results have been seen with couples who are contemplating divorce.
The application of the 100% love approach works very well with most couples in an outpatient setting, particularly if the couple has sought Christian marital counseling. Generally, the couple will present their problem(s) as one stemming from poor communication which has resulted in them being at an impasse. The following interventions should be used to assist an outpatient couple with a marital problem:
1. Identify your approach as a win-win approach with the goal of mutual marital satisfaction.
2. Obtain as much information as you can with respect to the history of the relationship, the successes and failures of problem resolution, and the family background of the couple. Doing a genogram is recommended.
3. Have each spouse identify they perceive would resolve their marital problems, and then formulate their responses into the goals for brief counseling.
4. Obtain the couple's permission to use scripture as a means of problem-solving.
5. Identify love as the answer to their difficulties and then link the word “ love ” to giving as it applies to their counseling goals.
6. Use a rating scale as a means of measuring their progress and in identifying and working through resistances.
7. Give couples homework assignments as a means of helping them to achieve their goals.
8. Require the couple to spend at least 15 hours of quality time together each week, stressing the fact that quality time is the answer to getting their marital needs met.
9. Discuss the impact of gender differences upon marital satisfaction.
10. Outline God's perfect plan for marriage and how adherence to the divine order is a key element to attaining the type of marriage that they desire and in pleasing God as well. In every situation involving disagreement and conflict, gently point out a scriptural solution that addresses the underlying fears and marital needs of each spouse.
11. Be prepared to provide a scriptural answer every recommendation you make and in response to client resistance.
12. Stress the importance of staying present-focused and a positive attitude toward each other.
Assisting married couples, using a 100% love approach, requires you to make couples keep their focus on putting on love, putting their marital vows into practical application on a moment-by-moment basis, increasing their faith in the word of God, and in growing in the Lord. The probability of change will be maximized if you show the couple the reciprocal nature of their actions, stress the importance of accountability and responsibility, and bring them through a series of small changes which all add up to the attainment of their stated goal(s). At the initial session, the counselor must be aware of client anxiety and suspicion. One way of alleviating this is to tell the couple that their good motive of a mutually happy and fulfilling marriage has prompted them to seek treatment and that their motive can be attained as they apply the counseling recommendations with the goal of a win-win outcome. To be maximally effective, counselors should be an example of God's love. Whenever possible, examples of similar problems with past clients who successfully applied the principles and changes into their marriages should be used as a means for generating hope in the therapeutic outcome.
Essential in the 100% love approach is assisting spouses to capture each other's heart by requesting them to formulate (using a rating scale of 0-10) their marital needs in the general categories of companionship, intimacy, and significance are being met consistently, with heart, and without any form of bartering to the receiver's degree of satisfaction. Wives are encouraged to focus mostly on the husband's primary marital needs of expressed admiration (i.e., respectful behavior) and sexual fulfillment, while the husband is asked to focus on his wife's primary marital need of “ connecting ” communication, affectionate behavior, and spiritual growth. The themes presented by most married couples clearly show these to be the most important gender needs.
For wives, an exercise that is effective in verifying a husband's primary needs is to ask them what they would say or do if the life of one of their children or other loved one actually depended upon them capturing their husband's heart by midnight that same day. After giving the wife some time to think about it, the counselor should ask the following question: “ Do you agree that what you would say and do would fall into the following two categories – expressed admiration and sexual fulfillment? ” For over ten years I have done this exercise and have consistently received a “ Yes ” response. This response also verifies that wives innately know how to capture their husband's heart which, in turn, gets them re-directed in terms of how to do it. However, the focus on developing sexual intimacy should occur when both spouses are receptive to each other. Once the couple is having comfortable sexual relations, the counselor can interject the scripture from 1 Cor. 7:2-5 as a means of stressing the importance of sexual intimacy. Due to the fact that this scripture is generally more well-received by the husband, a corresponding scripture that would be equally well-received by the wife should be used.
Engaging husbands with their wives will occur by asking the wife how connecting communication and loving behavior would promote the attainment of their marriage goals. A homework assignment, with the input of the couple, is recommended as a means of putting this in practice. What worked for the couple in the early part of their relationship is recommended. However, the couple must arrive at a point of mutual comfort in terms of putting this into practice in order to take the threat out of any form of intimate behavior. The issues of fear, selfishness, and unforgiveness must also be carefully examined as they are both at the heart resistance on the client's part.
The following questions should be used by both spouses as a means for determining whether their marital needs are being met:
a. Have I met your marital need as often as you would like it to be met?
b. Have I met your marital need to the degree that satisfies you the most?
c. Have I met your marital need within the timeframe that you desire?
d. Would you tell me how I may meet your marital need(s) to the degree that you would like?
e. Is there anything about my attitude or past reactions that could possibly make you hesitate or reluctant to be totally honest as to whether I have met your need to the degree that you would like?
f. Would you be willing to give me ongoing feedback concerning my faithfulness in meeting the marital need(s) you have brought to my attention so I will be certain that I am pleasing you completely?
Addressing the divine order is essential to promoting God's statutes regarding marriage. In this regard, the following points should be emphasized:
a. Adherence to the divine order is the backbone of a Christian marriage and is the responsibility of every faithful Christian.
b. Adherence to the divine order is a teamwork approach and an act of faith that will result in the best possible outcome for both spouses. The antithesis is role reversal that, in turn, will generate the opposite of God's will for marriage.
c. Husbands must be encouraged to exercise spiritual leadership on their own initiative with the motive of putting their wife's needs before their own in the same way that Christ put the needs of the church first.
d. Wives must be encouraged to follow their husband's lead by not trying to control, critique, or manage the way in which he leads, especially where it comes to making decisions about the children. This will require her to abstain from give unsolicited advice or suggestions to her husband, and to win him without a word by her chaste behavior and quiet and gentle spirit. When she does this, she can go boldly before the thrown room of God and request that God change her husband into a leader that is fitting to the will of God. Most often, a wife's expressed admiration (respect) will be reciprocated by the husband wherein he will subordinate his God-given authority to his wife in response to her willingness to follow his lead.
e. Spouses should be encouraged to read scriptural passages pertaining to the divine order and to address their impasses during the counseling session.
f. Difficulty in implementing God's perfect will for a couple's adherence to the divine order will reveal the couple's the degree of their post-modern thinking, commitment level, degree of faith, unresolved issues in their families-of-origin, dysfunctional patterns of relating, and the inter-relatedness of each of their behaviors. For example, a husband may be passive because his initiative is usually met with resistance from his wife that, in turn, leads to long-winded arguments and an escalation of the marital conflict.
The nature of a couple's marital problems will quickly surface in response to the requirement of meeting each other's marital needs unconditionally and abiding by God's divine order. The ultimate aim of the 100% love approach is the attainment of these two primary goals. These goals cannot be accomplished unless the counselor first engages the couple into the therapeutic process and gains the couple's trust and confidence, and in convincing them that adherence to God's divine statutes will produce the outcome that they are hoping for. In addition, a couple's commitment to Jesus is key to their obedience to him. The counselor must effectively communicate to the couple that Jesus is not a slave master, but rather one whose yoke is easy and his burden is light. In addition, the couple must be shown that Satan is the true enemy of their marriage and that his main method of attack is to tempt spouses to lean upon their own understanding and ignore God's statutes. Counselors must resist the temptation to over-focus on communication dynamics as poor communication is often a product of unmet needs, and a unChristlike attitude. Focusing too much on communication also sends a message to the couple that getting their marital needs met is subject articulating it in a way that is mandated by the giver. Thus, the giver may use the articulation of the request by the receiver as a means of denying a request, while gaining empowerment through the use of victimization as a tactic.
Lastly, the counselor needs to facilitate counseling progress by encouraging the couple to prioritize their marriage by putting their marriage before the children, outside interests, work, and friends. Unfortunately, in contemporary Western society, children are put before the marriage in most cases. This is also very evident in many churches who have scheduled a number of ongoing monthly activities and events for its' youth but no marital seminars or workshops for married couples. Moreover, marital messages from the pulpit are “ far and few between. ” The messages that are given are spoken in a way so as not to offend anyone and an apology is provided at the end of the message, just in case someone was offended.
The 100% love approach makes no apology about speaking God's non-negotiable truth because it will set couple's free from Satan's grips and a world philosophy that finds the word of God as offensive. Jesus asks all believers to boldly speak the truth in love. May this article challenge all Christian counselors and pastors to get back to the foundation of God's word by formulating all of their counseling interventions upon it. This is God's mission for us as stewards of God and as counseling professionals. As we plant the seeds from the word of God into our marriage counseling, God indeed shall bless the fruit of our efforts and prompt the changes that he desires within the hearts of those who have sought our professional services.
References
Racite, J. (1999). The perfect marriage: Yes, one
does really exist! It's God's divine
plan.
Hollywood, CA: “ You Deserve It ”
Creations.
Joseph Racite, Ph.D., LPC is Founder and President of Perfect Marriage Ministries, Inc., and is in private practice at Christian Family Services, Inc. located in Cherry Hill, NJ. He can be reached by
e-mail at: marriage@comcast.net. His web site is at: http://www.perfectmarriage.org